The Rotweiler and the Parrot--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn’t accommodate her with an “after-hours” appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won’t bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, and under no circumstances whatsover should you talk to the parrot !”Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.As he was ready to leave, he couldn’t resist saying, “You stupid bird, why don’t you shut up!”
To which the bird replied, “Killer, get him!!!
Theory and Reality--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Young boy says to his dad What is the difference between theory and reality?
Dad says - Go and ask your big sister if she,d f u c k Wayne Rooney for a Million Quid.
The big sisters says Yes she would.
Dad says now go and ask your mother the same question.
He does so and Mum says Yes--she too would f u c k wayne rooney for a Million Quid.
Dad says--Now go and ask your big brother the same question.
He does and his big brother says Yes he too would F uc k wayne rooney for a Million Quid.
Dad says there you have it son----Your answer.
In theory we are sitting on £3 Million but in reality you and I live with 2 whores and a bender
Proving computers are female
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message "Bad command or filename" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Three Tough Mice
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am."
I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot.
The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough?
When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his shot glass on the bar.
The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.
He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"
The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat."
Cat Vs Rottweiller
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A primary school teacher said to her class 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,'
A little girl raises her hand.'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these
stories could Become, asked the girl to describe the incident.'
Well', she began,'I was in the back yard with my
kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and
before we Knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!
That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.'My kitty
raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'Shit!', the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
The little boy and the frog
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy walked in to a sleezy bordel with a dead frog in his hands. He asked the receptionist after a "date" with the filthiest, most disgusting hooker there.
The receptionist asked why dont you want one of our fresh, goodlooking girls? To which the little boy answered:
I want to get lots of awful stds, because my nanny will have sex with me. Then my dad will have sex with the nanny. He will then have sex with my mother and my mother will have sex with the milkman. And the milkman was the son of a bitch that ran over my frog..
